ღ Thursday, 12 July 2007
♥ My Beautiful Life ♥
been crying alot recently...first due to my HK drama ... then next my hubby..everytime kena from him...dunno why..seems like i'm like someone who is taking in his shits and then being EXPECTED to forgive him the next time he talk to me...yesterday night was terrible...on our way back home from my mum's place after dinner... he didnt even help me carry the heavy stuffs, i had to carry them from the th floor of the carpark to home.. i was pretty upset what he did in the car...blasting the music of the radio so loud i think ayden's frighten cos he kicked so much...then wind down the windows....all the nasty air came in....i didnt talk to him.. went upstairs all by myself.. then straight to bathroom...the next horrible thing (at the same time), i found out my white pants were stained with alot of yellow stuffs...i just washed it and my mil hung dry for me the other day..the pants lie on my bed all dirty... i was super fed up... everytime my clothes always dirty after coming back from her hands...dunno why...URGH~~~i cried till this morning...he went work just now w/o kissing me (everydaypractise) and never call during lunchtime...maybe because i shoo him off twice last night...its after i came out of the bathroom and in the living room.. but he only come by without saying much...not much of talking...and he went back to sleep...!!.. i find that my feelings whether hurt or not is no longer part of his interest... whether what time i go bed last night also not his interest anymore... whether i cry so hard lying beside in the middle of the night like 3 am also not an interest to him... at this point of time, i think slightly further... much further at times when i find myself getting scared... i looked into the darkness , feeling ayden's movements, feeling scared... finally i realised i'm so alone... i began talking to ayden since he's awake.. whether i'm i a good mommy to him so far... then i get so emotional that i went to the bathroom and cry loudly... i tot to myself whether i did the right thing.. askin myself alot of questions.. finally i settle down and went back to bed.. all i see was pillows between us.. this has been going on for many mths.. at first was due to my big tummy... but that moment, that pillow between our heads were so upsetting.. he's a light sleeper and who even know when i go toilet or so.. but now he didnt even stir abit.. i went to sleep..feeling very tired and my back hurts like crazy..a few hours sleep only..i woke up at the moment he step out of the bathroom door.. that moment was silent and i peeked..he just walk out of the door.. at tat moment was like so shitty.. i cry again...think my pillow all stain with my tears...sigh.. seeing this, my heart felt so heavy.. notice that he didnt even wear our wedding ring anymore... me, i cant wear cos i'm having water retention that my fingers cant fit now.. for him? i dunno why...i noticed but i didnt ask why.. only like married for 4mths.. and guess what yesterday was our 4th mth wedding anniversary.. i'm so hurt.. he never say anything to me .. i waited for the whole day but at the end of the day i get only tears and yellings.. i'm so sad now.. dunno what to do... one side of me wanting to call him.. but that will be out of the blus as i dun normally call him during his work hours.. he will call me just instead.. one side of me feel that i'm not in the wrong at all..things changed so fast that i cant even breathe properly to understand whats going on... i wonder to myself, is my marriage having rocks?.. or is it me who is done anything to piss this relationship off??.. cant be cos i didnt do anything to make my marriage in jeopardy.. i didnt have those nonsense things like post-natal depression or sensitive issues to say to him... everyday i just eat, sleep, go to school (now), watch drama series and going movies , mahjong with his frens...buying baby stuffs.. thats my lifestyle now... nothing much...now everything is so bland between us.. nothing to talk abt.. just now i saw my handmade card i gave him for an special occassion earlier this year after we were married...i read what i wrote... so sad to read now... cos where i found the card was simply at my dressing table drawer... i begun to onder what happen to my other cards to him... i began to think wht happen to all the things i gave him or we used to have? .. i cant see them except my precious moment he gave to me as a birthday present to me last year sitting on the table... i cried... feeling why everything which i didnt take notice of began to appear before me now.. i'm very sad and depressed.. alone in the house that cant give me any warm now.. i was thinking to myself should i get myself out of this house to take a breather or should i silently stay at home waiting for him and MIL to come back...feeling all shitty inside.. crying inside.. i will then felt alone as usual then i'll wait for night to come.. now only going to school makes me breathe much better.. the unnecessary stress given to me by living with my Parent-in-law and a total new place is too much now.. i endured...but somehow i cant fulfill what he asked me to do, " You can only accept it . " ........its harsh and strong but its true... i tried for these few months but seems like not much changes.. but this time i didnt talk to him about how i feel...neither to anyone except here..last few days the blogger server was down that i cant write anything.. i needed it but i cant get in...guess what i do?...i cry in the toilet again.. just to wash out my unhappiness.. for awhile..think i dun write anymore.. haven eat my lunch.. think ayden's hungry too..
♥ My World My Life
9:57 pm
